Prosecutor Involved in Shooting Incident

(Jordan’s Bend. Walt Fricker, reporter)
An accidental discharge of an Ithaca M1911a1 pistol finds a local elected official the recipient of numerous questions from local residents. County Prosecutor Able Simmons, along with an unnamed city employee, were celebrating the prosecutor’s re-election at a local firing range when the pistol “inadvertently” discharged, injuring a shooter on the line adjacent while the men were “on a lunch break.”

Simmons said, “I’d been eating a fried bologna and Miracle Whip sandwich. I guess some of the gunk that was on my fingers must have been on the trigger” as he handed the pistol to the city employee. When the employee lifted the firearm, the slick trigger was pulled, firing a shot into the adjacent stall, striking an individual on the foot, severing the big toe in the process.

“There was blood everywhere.”, Simmons said. “I haven’t seen that much blood since back in high school when Jerry Butler lost his helmet during a play, but kept on going anyway. He got head-butted by the other team’s linebacker. Cracked his nose wide open. He couldn’t breathe through his nose without it whistling for the rest of the school year.”

Simmons also said the telephone at his office has been “ringing off the hook” once word of the incident spread. “I don’t know why folks are so worked up about it. We don’t answer questions when they call. There’s nothing to see here. It will die down soon enough.”

Delbert Swanner, owner of Ducks & Bucks Sporting Goods, said an accident such as this occurs about once a month. “Folks around here love to shoot up a mess. They like to hoot and holler sometimes. That’s why we put our range way out back, so the chance of a customer in the store getting shot ain’t likely.” He said everyone who steps out on the range must sign a waiver, releasing Swanner from all liability in the case of an accident. “We get some weird folks out here sometimes. That’s why we don’t allow alcohol on the range. I’ve got to protect my livelihood.”

The unnamed victim was taken to the office of Dr. Elizabeth Franklin for treatment and released. Simmons said the individual also signed a “non-disclosure agreement” at the prosecutor’s insistence.

The Common Man Gazette will continue to follow leads on this story and report back with additional information as it is gained.

Jordan’s Bend High School Fighting Wolves Show Improvement

(Jimmy Roberts, team manager reporting)
The Fighting Wolves notched their first win of the season Friday night 10-3 in a slugfest against cross-county rivals, the Glenville Cottonmouths. The score was tied at 3-3 until the last 30 seconds when senior quarterback Jess Pilgram faked a hand-off to fullback Jeremy Lester and broke off a run of eighty yards for a touchdown. Bart Landreth added the extra point as time expired.

After the game, head coach Chuck Givens praised his team. “Those boys never gave up. We got the first notch on our belt tonight. We can’t rest on our laurels. Next up, the Bradford Goblins and win number 2.”

The highlight of the night came at halftime as the Marching Fighting Wolves entertained the crowd of nearly two hundred with their version of the theme from the movie “The Man with the Golden Gun”, a James Bond thriller currently showing at Gable’s Theater downtown.

The following week, the Fighting Wolves travel to Buford to face the undefeated Mighty Possums.

Fresh Out of the Oven: Emma & Beatrice make baking “Twice as Nice”

(Amelia Stevens, resident baker)
Good afternoon from the Common Man Gazette kitchen. My name is Amelia Stevens and each week I will bring to you stories, recipes and time-tested tips for you to use.

For our first foray into culinary curiosity, our first fellow bakers to interview could be no other than the legendary “Twins of Turnovers”, the “Sisters of Sourdough”, Emma and Beatrice Sloan. Born under a Harvest moon, Emma and Beatrice have been close from the very beginning on the day of their birth some sixty-five years ago.

“I came out first.”, claims Emma. “But Bea wasn’t far behind. Momma always told us that Bea had her hand on my foot as I popped out of her. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I have a birthmark on my ankle that the doctors can’t explain.”

“It’s true. I’ve seen it.”, said Beatrice. “We are so close, we could be conjoined twins if we weren’t two different people.” The two laughed and giggled as if this was the first time they had uttered the quip. I have no doubt it has been a charming staple of conversation the two have regaled for decades.

The sisters smiled and gesticulated with playful hands as they recounted stories of their youth. In their early teens, they dropped out of high school to begin work at the local state hospital after an unfortunate accident at the saw mill rendered their father unable to ambulate from the neck down. “He couldn’t move, but he could still sing. He loved them old hymns we learned in church. ‘His Eye is on the Sparrow’ was his favorite as momma played the piano. She had to stay home and watch over daddy til the day he died. A month later, she followed him to her final reward. The two of ’em are back together in Heaven, smilin’ down on us.”, said Beatrice. Emma added, “It was tough, but we made it all right.We live in the same house momma and daddy did. It keeps us close to them.”

Their lives have been vacant of gentlemen callers. The lack of children of their own to carry on the family name is not a point of contention for the sisters. “We’ve got each other. We came into this world together, and we will probably go out the same way.” said Emma. “But not too soon!”, Beatrice proclaimed as they broke into their trademark laugh.

The sisters shared their most requested recipe from the residents of the state hospital – their acclaimed “Prune Cake”, saying, “If you have trouble moving, you won’t after you eat this!”.

Ingredients: 1 1/2 cups sugar, 3 eggs, 1 cup Wesson oil, 1 cup buttermilk, 2 cups flour, 1 tsp. baking soda, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 tsp. cinnamon, 1 tsp. cloves, 1 tsp. salt, 1 cup cooked and chopped prunes, 1 cup pecans.

Mix sugar, oil, and eggs. Combine all dry ingredients and add to sugar mixture, mixing alternatively with buttermilk; add prunes and pecans and mix well. Bake 40 minutes at 350 in 9×13 inch pan.

Glaze: 1 stick oleo, 1/2 cup buttermilk, 1 cup sugar, 1/2 cup baking soda.

Bring glaze ingredients to full boil and pour over cake. This is not a hard glaze.

That’s What I Said: There Are None So Blind, As Those Who Cannot See

(Walt Fricker, editor)
John Heywood was wise indeed. The English poet published his book of proverbs more than two hundred years ago, including the words at the head of this editorial. Interpreting the phrase goes a bit like this: willful ignorance can be more profound than the mere inability to see or understand what is right in front of us. Basically, imagine the three monkeys of “See no evil. Hear no evil. Speak no evil.” and you have the Reader’s Digest version.

So what does this have to do with Jordan’s Bend? I’d say most of the residents would reply “Not nary a bit”. Which brings to mind another phrase, “You can’t see the forest for the trees.”

As a newcomer to this fair city, I have been welcomed by many of you, and I appreciate it. You tell me how much you have missed your beloved newspaper, even if I have changed the name from The Herald to Common Man Gazette. The reason for the change is tied exactly to the focus of our investigations and reporting going forward – the common man will have its say.

From what I can tell thus far, the movers and shakers in this town and county have waved their right hands in the air to distract you from what their left hands are doing. A full fledged dog and pony show is on full display without the audience seeing what goes on backstage.

I’m here to tell you, that…stops…now.

As many before me have said, a free and independent press is essential for a functioning democracy. We are the watchdog bringing accountability to the elected and unbiased information to those that elect them. We are the unofficial “fourth branch of government” and we will dig to find out where your tax dollars are going, why they are going and who made them go where.

This is my vow to you.

Get ready. To paraphrase Bette Davis in “All About Eve” – “Fasten your seat belts. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.”

I’m ready. Are you?

Fricker out.